Monsters are big, scary, and will kill you the minute they
get the chance. Fact is you should never leave your home because if you do they
will get you. But since monsters aren’t real (or ARE THEY?) you really have
nothing to worry about… except serial killers… rapists… spiders… that stalker
ex you have… or Magneto (assuming you’re not a mutant). But what monsters in
games are the biggest, baddest, and scariest? Here’s a top twelve list that
sure to tell you exactly what.
#12 – Zombies – Whether you’re a fan of the running
infected-style zombies like I am or prefer the Romero-esque style of slower more magic-based zombies,
fact is you have zombies of every flavor and style to fit your all-purpose
monster needs. Why do I prefer zombies as they are in say, Left 4 Dead? Because they’re challenging. They come at you fast,
hard, and have different types like Tanks and Smokers to make the situation
even more dire. The slower ones just seem less threatening and, thus, less
interesting for a game. But in real life, yeah, I’ll take the Romero-zombie.
Better chance of survival.
#11 – Ghosts – I think there were the main monsters in one of
the newer Call of Dooty which was subtitled Ghosts.
They are also your main draw in the very popular Japanese horror series, Fatal Frame which is getting a new
release exclusive to the WiiU… exclusively in Japan (for now). Come on,
Nintendo. You took away my Donkey Kong Country on the Virtual Console and held Mother 3 hostage. Don’t be dicks on this
one. Ghosts are scary mostly because you can’t do anything to them unless
you’re Bill Murray or you’re Luigi and have a vacuum. And since we don’t all
have access to ghost-busting gear, we know who we have to call when there’s something
strange in your neighborhood. Chuck Norris. He’ll beat the shit out of any
ghosts.
#10 – Super Mutants – No, we’re not bashing the mutants of
X-Men. We’re talking the monstrous radioactive kind you only get in the Fallout series. These giant behemoths
roam the land with mini-guns and some heavy duty weapons and they have some
massive health-bars. Out of all the monsters in the wasteland, Super Mutants
are by-far some of the worst ones to face on a regular basis. Makes me glad we
can befriend one of them during the course of the game and get brutal revenge
on all the raiders for picking on your and your dog. Plus they’re immune to
radiation, so they can go into hazardous environments you simply cannot. That
sure is convenient in the end of Fallout 3
when you have to spoil the spoiler so that you can save spoilers from spoiling.
#09 – Dinosaurs – If more games feature dinosaurs as a
recurring monster, I would probably have ranked these badass prehistoric beasts
higher on the list. Sadly, at the time of writing, so few games really offer us
a good slew of dinosaur fury. We have the Turok
games which have been in wavering quality for pretty much the entirety of
its run. There was that one PC game where you can shoot Nazi-dinosaurs. There
are a few Jurassic Park games
including old Super Nintendo games, arcade rail-shooters, and that one TellTale
point-n-click adventure that was made before they got-good with Walking Dead. The only good dinosaur
game that comes to mind is StarFox
Adventures and they weren’t really scary… except for Boss RedEye. He was
pretty menacing. Game devs, please stop with the zombies for a bit and just
make a game where we can fight velociraptors. It’s not like we’re asking for
that much.
#08 – Dragons – Much like dinosaurs, dragons are just big
lizard-like creatures that eat everything. The differences are dragons are
intelligent and capable of speech, hoard gold for reasons, breath fire,
regularly fly, and aren’t extinct (probably). After all, I think I saw one the
other day after that really bad batch of pot. I think his name was Puff and he
dared me to chase him. Dragons are general some of the most powerful creatures
you’ll ever encounter when adventuring unless you’re in Skyrim and they happen to appear next to giant trolls. Those trolls
beat the hell out of dragons pretty viciously when provoked. Outside of your
RPG’s, dragons don’t make too many appearances and that’s kind of a shame
because these could be fun to see in action games or shooters a little more
frequently.
#07 – Aliens – Whether we’re talking about our phallic-headed
friends from the Aliens films or if
we’re talking about the similarly phallic-headed friends from Halo OR EVEN the dick-finger guys from Scary Movie, aliens are terrifying. They
come from space to abduct humans for experimentations, use earth as their
personal battleground, or just enslave us because we voted for Kang instead of
Kodos. Wait… what’s with all the dick-talk? I thought we were going to complain
about the aliens jumping the Mexican border? Regardless of which alien
terrifies you most, fact is they have advanced technology that makes us look
like idiots and would run circles around us with ease. If the alien take-over
were to happen today, we’d probably be fucked. That advanced burrito-technology
will be the death of us all.

#05 – Pokémon – Wait… what? That’s right,
Pokémon are one of the most terrifying things on the planet. They can burn you,
electrocute you, beat you to death, cut you up, haunt your nightmares, melt
your mind, drown you, or put you in a never ending sleep AND THAT’S JUST FOR
STARTERS! Read up entries in the Pokédex on ghost-type Pokémon and see all the
eerie stories where they steal souls, abduct children, turn them into trees,
and are basically all around assholes to mankind. Not that humans don’t deserve
it since we do kind of enslave the Pokémon to fight our personal battles for us
on a regular basis in dog-fight like scenarios that would make Michael Vick
proud. So why haven’t Pokémon taken over the world yet like in Mewtwo’s
glorious vision? Simply put, Pokémon need humans to grow and become more
powerful than they currently are. It’s a symbiotic relationship that, in time,
will turn against mankind and soon we’ll all be bowing down to our Pikachu
overlords or be flayed to death by the vinewhips of many grass-Pokémon… I don’t
know if I can make it.
#04 – People – When a person is murdered, who is responsible?
Another person. When someone abuses another person, who is responsible? Another
person. Who commits most of the crimes around the world? People. In the zombie
apocalypse, what is the biggest threat other than zombies? Other people. Fact
is, people suck and will kill you the moment they get the chance. They are the
real monsters, not the monsters out there trying to eat you. You should get
outside and away from people as quickly as you possibly can. After all, people
are the same people who gave you Hitler. If you don’t want to deal with another
Hitler, get away from people and never turn back. People are responsible for
most of the problems in the world right now as well as MANY of the most recent
extinctions in the animal kingdom. These “people” have to be stopped here and
now before we lose any more life to the monster that is mankind.
#03 – Elder Gods – This is kind of a cheat, as Cthulu and the
various other lore around Elder Gods and Eldritch horror is that they’re
actually super-powerful ALIENS that have been discovered by mankind and
worshiped as death-gods. It’s like we’re combining two different spots on our
list into another third spot. But elder gods cause people to go mad in their
quest to control and overtake worlds. They care not for the people who worship
them, but the souls they can consume and the madness they create. These are
unstoppable badasses that simply will not be stopped… unless we’re in Eternal Darkness… then we can stop them
with another Elder God who just hates the first Elder God… Yeah… I suppose
there’s that.

Those are the scariest monsters in gaming. Tune in next week for more horror filled fun. See ya next time.
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