Majestic Twelve - Monsters of Gaming

Monsters are big, scary, and will kill you the minute they get the chance. Fact is you should never leave your home because if you do they will get you. But since monsters aren’t real (or ARE THEY?) you really have nothing to worry about… except serial killers… rapists… spiders… that stalker ex you have… or Magneto (assuming you’re not a mutant). But what monsters in games are the biggest, baddest, and scariest? Here’s a top twelve list that sure to tell you exactly what. 

#12 – Zombies – Whether you’re a fan of the running infected-style zombies like I am or prefer the Romero-esque  style of slower more magic-based zombies, fact is you have zombies of every flavor and style to fit your all-purpose monster needs. Why do I prefer zombies as they are in say, Left 4 Dead? Because they’re challenging. They come at you fast, hard, and have different types like Tanks and Smokers to make the situation even more dire. The slower ones just seem less threatening and, thus, less interesting for a game. But in real life, yeah, I’ll take the Romero-zombie. Better chance of survival.

#11 – Ghosts – I think there were the main monsters in one of the newer Call of Dooty which was subtitled Ghosts. They are also your main draw in the very popular Japanese horror series, Fatal Frame which is getting a new release exclusive to the WiiU… exclusively in Japan (for now). Come on, Nintendo. You took away my Donkey Kong Country on the Virtual Console and held Mother 3 hostage. Don’t be dicks on this one. Ghosts are scary mostly because you can’t do anything to them unless you’re Bill Murray or you’re Luigi and have a vacuum. And since we don’t all have access to ghost-busting gear, we know who we have to call when there’s something strange in your neighborhood. Chuck Norris. He’ll beat the shit out of any ghosts.

#10 – Super Mutants – No, we’re not bashing the mutants of X-Men. We’re talking the monstrous radioactive kind you only get in the Fallout series. These giant behemoths roam the land with mini-guns and some heavy duty weapons and they have some massive health-bars. Out of all the monsters in the wasteland, Super Mutants are by-far some of the worst ones to face on a regular basis. Makes me glad we can befriend one of them during the course of the game and get brutal revenge on all the raiders for picking on your and your dog. Plus they’re immune to radiation, so they can go into hazardous environments you simply cannot. That sure is convenient in the end of Fallout 3 when you have to spoil the spoiler so that you can save spoilers from spoiling.

#09 – Dinosaurs – If more games feature dinosaurs as a recurring monster, I would probably have ranked these badass prehistoric beasts higher on the list. Sadly, at the time of writing, so few games really offer us a good slew of dinosaur fury. We have the Turok games which have been in wavering quality for pretty much the entirety of its run. There was that one PC game where you can shoot Nazi-dinosaurs. There are a few Jurassic Park games including old Super Nintendo games, arcade rail-shooters, and that one TellTale point-n-click adventure that was made before they got-good with Walking Dead. The only good dinosaur game that comes to mind is StarFox Adventures and they weren’t really scary… except for Boss RedEye. He was pretty menacing. Game devs, please stop with the zombies for a bit and just make a game where we can fight velociraptors. It’s not like we’re asking for that much.

#08 – Dragons – Much like dinosaurs, dragons are just big lizard-like creatures that eat everything. The differences are dragons are intelligent and capable of speech, hoard gold for reasons, breath fire, regularly fly, and aren’t extinct (probably). After all, I think I saw one the other day after that really bad batch of pot. I think his name was Puff and he dared me to chase him. Dragons are general some of the most powerful creatures you’ll ever encounter when adventuring unless you’re in Skyrim and they happen to appear next to giant trolls. Those trolls beat the hell out of dragons pretty viciously when provoked. Outside of your RPG’s, dragons don’t make too many appearances and that’s kind of a shame because these could be fun to see in action games or shooters a little more frequently.

#07 – Aliens – Whether we’re talking about our phallic-headed friends from the Aliens films or if we’re talking about the similarly phallic-headed friends from Halo OR EVEN the dick-finger guys from Scary Movie, aliens are terrifying. They come from space to abduct humans for experimentations, use earth as their personal battleground, or just enslave us because we voted for Kang instead of Kodos. Wait… what’s with all the dick-talk? I thought we were going to complain about the aliens jumping the Mexican border? Regardless of which alien terrifies you most, fact is they have advanced technology that makes us look like idiots and would run circles around us with ease. If the alien take-over were to happen today, we’d probably be fucked. That advanced burrito-technology will be the death of us all.

#06 – Machines – We live in a very technological age where our dependence on technology for everyday life is, in itself, quite scary. Now just imagine if, one day, the machines decided to turn on us and take over the world for themselves? Skynet from Terminator is a great example of what our world is already turning into thanks to a combination of terrorism, the internet, and governments trying to monitor what everyone is doing. Fact is, like aliens, machines have an advantage over squishy humans because of their shiny-metal-asses and inability to feel pain (unless we program them to feel pain). What makes a robot-revolution more likely than either zombies or aliens is the simple fact that technology is everywhere in every part of our lives and we simply can’t get rid of it. You’re using technology to read this blog right now! Then the future shown in Deus Ex or, god forbid, RoboCop will soon be a reality.

#05 – Pokémon – Wait… what? That’s right, Pokémon are one of the most terrifying things on the planet. They can burn you, electrocute you, beat you to death, cut you up, haunt your nightmares, melt your mind, drown you, or put you in a never ending sleep AND THAT’S JUST FOR STARTERS! Read up entries in the Pokédex on ghost-type Pokémon and see all the eerie stories where they steal souls, abduct children, turn them into trees, and are basically all around assholes to mankind. Not that humans don’t deserve it since we do kind of enslave the Pokémon to fight our personal battles for us on a regular basis in dog-fight like scenarios that would make Michael Vick proud. So why haven’t Pokémon taken over the world yet like in Mewtwo’s glorious vision? Simply put, Pokémon need humans to grow and become more powerful than they currently are. It’s a symbiotic relationship that, in time, will turn against mankind and soon we’ll all be bowing down to our Pikachu overlords or be flayed to death by the vinewhips of many grass-Pokémon… I don’t know if I can make it.

#04 – People – When a person is murdered, who is responsible? Another person. When someone abuses another person, who is responsible? Another person. Who commits most of the crimes around the world? People. In the zombie apocalypse, what is the biggest threat other than zombies? Other people. Fact is, people suck and will kill you the moment they get the chance. They are the real monsters, not the monsters out there trying to eat you. You should get outside and away from people as quickly as you possibly can. After all, people are the same people who gave you Hitler. If you don’t want to deal with another Hitler, get away from people and never turn back. People are responsible for most of the problems in the world right now as well as MANY of the most recent extinctions in the animal kingdom. These “people” have to be stopped here and now before we lose any more life to the monster that is mankind.

#03 – Elder Gods – This is kind of a cheat, as Cthulu and the various other lore around Elder Gods and Eldritch horror is that they’re actually super-powerful ALIENS that have been discovered by mankind and worshiped as death-gods. It’s like we’re combining two different spots on our list into another third spot. But elder gods cause people to go mad in their quest to control and overtake worlds. They care not for the people who worship them, but the souls they can consume and the madness they create. These are unstoppable badasses that simply will not be stopped… unless we’re in Eternal Darkness… then we can stop them with another Elder God who just hates the first Elder God… Yeah… I suppose there’s that.

#02 – The Boogey Man – We don’t mean Oogy-Boogey from Nightmare Before Christmas or even that shitty horror movie entitled Boogeyman. We mean the legit physical manifestation of your psychological fuck-ups that appears in many different forms in the town of Silent Hill. While the rules of how the Boogeyman works is never really consistent, we’re all familiar with Pyramid Head from Silent Hill 2 who is a physical manifestation of protagonist James Sunderland’s pent-up aggressive sexual frustration. This is demonstrated with scenes depicting the monster raping other (female-shaped) monsters and plunging his massive sword into their moist quivering bodies. Whatever problems you’re having, you can always visit Silent Hill and the Boogeyman will appear to help you figure out your problems… and then probably try to kill you before you can resolve them. Have fun!

#01 – David Cage – By far the biggest monster in gaming is the monster we all know as David Cage. He is an insane developer for games like Heavy Rain, Indigo Prophecy, and Beyond: Two Souls who has no emotions and has to recreate them in his games with as much accuracy as he deems necessary. As such, we’re given loads of movies where you’re forced to press buttons and don’t feature really any gameplay. And most of the movies are filled with creepy CGI characters that get raped, have awkward sex-scenes, deal with bizarrely stupid plot-twists, and have no real emotions at all. But David Cage can only survive and continue to make horrible games if you keep giving him money, as that is how he feeds. So stop buying David Cage games and maybe we can put an end to this monster once and for all. Then we can focus on the next big threat, EA. 

Those are the scariest monsters in gaming. Tune in next week for more horror filled fun. See ya next time.